To be able to see beauty in everything, that is the greatest human quality of all.

Sometimes I get all bothered by the littlest things. To be able to recognize that my feelings may be over-dramatized is the first step in controlling an over-reaction. I feel like I'm getting somewhere. That's growth, I think.

Waiting in line for coffee, rush hour traffic, someone closing the elevator door before I get on...these are things i let bother me in a day.

I'm posting this for the sole reason of reminding myself that this stuff, is just stuff. I would like to remind myself that at the end of the day, when i get home, I am welcomed and embraced by the one I love. I am lucky to have Ted. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. All the "stuff" I encounter when I live my day, after leaving home, are meaningless little annoyances that I shall not let bother me. I will relish in the fact that I found pure happiness. Not anything, not anyone, will shed any negativity on me. Embracing the good, releasing the bad.

Happy day!

Pam's A-Z

A--Available, Married or Single: definitely not available
B--Best friend: Ted; Female best friends; Laura and Wendi who have seen every side.
C--Cake or Pie: depends on the mood; mom's Jewish apple cake; cheesecake
D--Drink of Choice: coffee
E--Essential item you use everyday: toothbrush; feel absolutely gross without brushing.
F--Favorite Color: green (any shade of it)
G--Gummy bears or worms: worms
H--Hometown: I am the girl of many homes. My roots have brought me back to the motherland of Reading.
I--Indulgence: expensive dinners
J--January or February: January, I guess - month of change
K--Kids and names: none yet and can't share names.
L--Life is incomplete without: Ted and everyone else who is dear to me
M--Marriage Date: to be announced...
N--Number of siblings: 1 bro
O--Oranges or apples: i have taken a fondness to apples recently actually
P--Phobias or fears: that wooden mouth thingy the dentist or Dr put on your tongue - BLEHCK!!
Q--Fave quote: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? (seriously, i can't think of it now)
R--Reason to smile: knowing there are so many reasons to smile.
S--Season: I like about four weeks of each season and then want them to change.
T--Tag 3 people: whoever reads this, always interesting to find little things out.
U--Unknown fact about me: I'm not listing that here...it embarrasses me
V--Vegetable you don't like: sweet potatoes (is that a veggie?) green peppers or carrots (cooked)
W--Worse habit: throwing my shoes wherever they land til there are several pairs in one spot, or many spots throughout the house
X--Xrays: here nor there - had so many when i was a kid, doesn't phase me.
Y--Your fave food: cheese, Ted (heh heh...he's yummy)
Z--Zodiac sign: Meow.

Love to love

This weekend made me realize that my family has been a totem in my development as an individual.

Moving Nanny Duncan to Chestnut Noll made me remember times I spent with her as a kid and even into young adulthood. Even though Nanny Duncan can no longer remember those times, she still knows my face. I still make her cry by kissing her head and reminding her how much she is loved. I don't have the best memory of everyone I know, but I can remember things like; Sunday school, Nan checking my toothbrush to make sure I did indeed, brush; the weekend Gwen came to sleep over with me at Nan's; playing board game upon board game after home-cooked "supper"; bacon sandwiches; aprons; handmade tablecloths; playing Barbie in the basement (those weird pink/brown patterned blocks of carpet on the floor); pop's snoring in his red recliner; poppy g. showing me his hornet (trumpet); her laugh, her smell; her bedtime prayer.

Life as a kid rolls on by without ever trying to memorialize moments with family. You don't know then that life goes on, that you grow up and may forget those times, that your loved ones will pass away, that church may stink now, but will be one of the best memories you have of your grandparents. I wish I could remember more. I wish I had recongized the beauty of every moment back then as i do now.

I realize now that there is no time to stay angry at anyone, to resent a past that is unchangeable, to idly stand by and not attend every chance I can get to spend time with those i love. time is precious...and family is dear to my heart.

Ice fishin'

Has anyone ever gone fishin on the ice? Ok, neither have I, but Ted goes. Let me tell you, as long as i lived in Colorado, I never once stepped out onto a frozen lake...I'm not sure why Colorado seems like a prevalent place to walk on a frozen lake, I guess because it gets ass-cold there...anyway...of all the snow sports, I never met anyone who went ice fishin. For some unknown reason, the concept blows my mind. it's jesus-like. walking on water....frozen...it just seems wrong. weird. I mean, the top layer of ice is like 14 inches thick...or more. I got a little paranoid when Ted would tell me he was going, til he showed me where he goes and I got to see just how sturdy the lake is. Certainly reminded me of Grumpy Old Men, minus the shanty. Why guys enjoy sitting out in the blistering cold, on top of 14 inches of frozen water, trying to coerce a half-sedated fish with food, is beyond me....but I'm glad I got to check it out for myself. If you haven't, you should. It's pretty cool. I won't even get into the contraptions he uses...it's a completely different fishing experience. Girls sit around and flap our gums about fashion and celebrity gossip...but it's warm...and there is usually wine. :-)

Ever find yourself wishing it was next week, month or even year? I was thinking that this morning when i had to walk up the hill, in the middle of the street...where there was black ice...to get to my car. I wish it was 7 months from now and we were moving out of our apartment. I have never seen such thoughtless care of rental property. For what we pay, I have so many bones to pick with them I could fill a cemetery. I've been contemplating various letters to the main office and Better Business Bureau. I'm waiting to slip and fall or get hit by a car to make my complaints heard. I seriously think it would take that to be heard by any of the mindless dumb-asses that run this complex. Oh, how I cannot wait to move into a house with my honey...so many things to look forward to. I try to remind myself that we will look back on our experience with Woodgate and laugh. Only then will we laugh...because our rage will have subsided to pure happiness to be out of there. soon, soon, soon.

Wow - it's pouring rain. I can hear it on the roof. Beautiful. If only I had a window. I know, I got an office, I won't push it. I love the rain. I love when it's warm and you can dance in it.

Have a beautiful (rainy and gray) day!

Taste of Spring!

Wow - is it gorgeous today! I'm so happy I had the chance to get out of the office to breathe the fresh air. It's 50 - Mother Nature wanted to thank us for hanging in there with the frigid temps by rewarding us with a few nice days. Rumor has it though, she isn't through with blowing arctic winds our way just yet. I'll take these nice days while I can get them. The red-tailed hawks and Robins are thrilled - outside sounds alive!

Center City Philadelphia is a sight to see. Not only do the sounds stimulate me, but the gorgeous architecture that surrounds me on every side makes me gape with amazement. It's been a LONG time since I have been to Philly, but my trips will be more frequent now as I anticipate filing court documents there on a weekly basis. Alright by me, it 's nice to get out of the office! Philly is beautiful. Just don't look down, cause you will see the trash lined streets and certainly don't make eye contact with any passer-bys...cause they are liable to pick your pocket, or spit on your shoe. The City of Brothers. Brotherly love, my ass.

One of the reasons I looked forward to moving to Colorado was to experience the camaraderie in the community. Walking down the street in a Colorado town, you get smiles, head nods and polite hellos. It didn't stay like that, as all the transplants invaded the Rockies and it became more and more apparent to me that the West was quickly becoming the East, in terms of communal politeness. By the time I moved out of the state, Colorado streets were much like walking down the streets of Philly....I told myself. Till now. It's nothing like it. Colorado still, by far, is much more polite....and heavens to Betsy...CLEANER. East coast mentality is so different. I have noticed a bit of my East coast personality coming back. I witness myself screaming at other vehicles for cutting me off, talking to myself when a door slams into my face, and making snide remarks about the woman who should quit her job if she hates it that much... i fear I'm sinking back into the dark oblivion that is selfishness here on the east side. Who am i kiddin? I was like this in CO. I was a transplant. Nevermind. you all bore witness to one thing or the other...hahahhaha I'm East coast at heart, always will be.

How many cups of coffee does it take to get to the bottom of the coffee pot....well, that depends on what size your cup is, doesn't it? I'm an addict.

Revving up

Well, it's three and half days into my new job. So far, it's exactly what I was looking for. This job reminds me of R&L. Complete with my own office, convenient computer networking, templates, casual days and small celebrations of inclimate weather. I am so excited by the thought of decorating my office! What to bring first? I need some kind of mirror...lamps...pictures, and of course A FISH!

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone. Sorry I slipped a little this year on sending Valentines. I'm usually pretty good with all of that, but I had so much on my mind within the past two weeks, I guess I kind of put it on the back burner. My office called yesterday a snow day and was closed. I got to spend the day at home...and as luck may have it, Ted got to come home after working only half the day. I got to spend the day with my Valentine. I would get into all the things I did for him but some of you may think I'm a dork, completely sex-crazed, or ill by how much I am completely in love. So I will spare you all and leave it at...I had a great Valentine's Day.

Connecticut + Wendi = FUN! I got to spend a little girlie time with my girlie while she visited her parents over the weekend. thank you to Mother Nature for holding out with the snow.... Wendi, it was so AWESOME to see you....to be able to relax with a best friend, to catch up...to listen to bad karaoke, eat delicious red velvet cake, collect abstract beads and play with your niece Emalie. Good times. It is refreshing to know that you are only a 4 hour drive away when you visit the east coast. Ahhhhh...

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Whoever said that, must've been as madly in love as I am. Though it is wonderful to spend time with old friends, it is most rewarding to return into the arms of your loved one. I spent 4 months on the phone with Ted...any trips longer than a day are too similar to a deja vu. There's nothing in the world I would trade for you, my love, absolutely nothing. Thank you for always trying to understand me.

I have experienced the first winter weather in PA after 7 years of Colorado winters. Let me remind those of you who may or may not remember the east coast winters. ICE SUCKS! It snowed, sleeted, snowed, then sleeted more....lovely. It amounted to 6 or so inches or snow, ice, snow, ice and made for very hazardous conditions. My 35 min commute home took an hour and a half on Tuesday. Awesome. PennDOT blows. the roads were terrible. people WERE driving to my suitability (is that a word?) so I was confident no one was going to side swipe me and throw me down an embankment. When I took Walden out, complete with doggie coat, he took two steps in the ice/snow and squatted to pee, then took a look at me and started to head back in. I had to drag my little one further out in the elements so he would do his #2 -I almost lost my little boy when the snow gave way and ended up hugging his neck. too deep for you little bugger. good thing i got that jacket on ya...was the only thing that told me where you were. (ok, so it wasn't that deep)

Catching up with old friends is a way to replenish your inner strengths. Embrace your friendships, embrace your significant other....but mostly embrace yourself. It is through conversations rekindling times spent that remind me how strong I've become on this journey thus far. You + me = this wonderful life. XXOOXX

Winding down

Well, today is my last day at the farm. I'm very excited to start my new job on Monday. Excitement stems from knowing I will be intellectually challenged yet not feeling an overwhelming liability that i am the ONLY one who is responsible for figuring things out. Ahhhh...it will be refreshing to NOT have to feel so clueless. Believe me, nothing can make me feel more clueless than this place. Horrible. just horrible.

Tomorrow, it's off to Connecticut to visit Wendi. I just found out that she is flying through Chicago. It's Winter. Ah heck, any time of the year is a BAD time of year to fly through Chicago. Why Chicago? It's cheaper, I know. For a reason. It sucks. Man, I hope she makes it in...I don't even care if she is on time...I just want her to get here. it will be SO nice to spend time with a gal-pal from D-town. I know you've read how much I miss my friends so I will not bore you with that...just so you know....I'm SUPER excited!

When is too much, TOO much?

So I'm sure most of us have had to move at one point in our lives. It's generally then when you find that missing broach of your grandmother's, you remember when you tried to take up metal punching or come across that letter you wrote to such and such giving them a piece of your mind but never had the nerve to send. I've moved enough in a 15 year period of time that I am becoming a lobbyist of how lovely it can be to live SIMPLY. without clutter. without junk.

One of the last times I moved I had the pleasure of downsizing my personal items by the greatest degree. It upset me at first, but after I had the time to reflect on all my missing pieces, I realized that the things i was missing were just that, pieces. Things I would not even remember owning unless I was promoted into finding them. If you are forced to remember by stumbling across these things, then these things can probably be thrown away and never missed. If, when you find them, you find something nostalgic about it like - i remember when i stole this mug that late night when we went to Pete's to try to suppress our drunkenness...good times. well THIS item is a KEEPER. If you stumble across a sandwich maker that you used once because you thought it was the coolest thing to keep your cheese from falling out from the edges of your bread....well...the coolness sure wore off after you used it once...and it sure wasn't cool enough to keep making your sandwiches like that....and so i would think that your sandwich doesn't really need to be that cool....ever again.

Try to remember this when you have to pack up to change location. A solution to this quandary...leave out all the things you really would not mind tossing and letting your friends take dibs on all the things they want....when they come over to help you move. Now I know I was lobbying to promote living a more simpler, uncluttered life, but I am a firm believer that what is one man's trash, is another man's treasure. Hey, who knows...one of you could've used that sandwich maker...on a regular basis...and made it a treasure.

I no longer believe in keeping those squares of wrapping paper...for the "little" boxes I might have to wrap next year, OR the shoes that were so comfortable that now have holes in the sides and the soles that i wore in high school for the sole purpose of reminding myself how cool i was in high school, OR the plastic ungodly ugly plant that was at my old office because...i could spray paint it and use it for ... something.

I will no longer be a pack rat. I will no longer save things for the purpose of what "may" become of them...because I would like to remind myself that the house I moved into has this wonderful nook that was one of the reasons i fell in love with it....and i haven't filled it with junk.

deleting internet site history

Whew! Thanks to Jenni and Randy i can live more peacefully knowing that my boss will not get the chance to read my blog. Thank YOUOOOUOUOIUOUOIU for helping me accomplish this task. I thought I was going to have a slander law suit on my hands. ha!

Word to the wise; if you do not know how to do this; LEARN. it's important to know...cause who ISN'T using the internet on company time? huh huh? yehhhhhh, whatever. I can't believe I made it this far without knowing. Me and the 'net go way back.

Ted and I are looking for a house. We know what areas, we know around how much to spend, we know how many bedrooms, bathrooms, parking availability, public vs well water, land, neighborhood, yada yada. What I didn't realize, because I have never done house hunting before, is that it's HARD to find something with EXACTLY what you want. So where do you compromise? I want a yard, no, forget it, a yard isn't important...I want 4 bedrooms, nevermind, we can live with 2...do you just KNOW when you find the right place? Is it like buying a car? I hope not because when i buy a car i say to myself, it's not forever, this will do for now.

dang beaver, woodchuck, groundhog, yellow-bellied marmot, vermin didn't see his shadow which means Spring will be here early. That's sending high hopes to my peeps in Colorado....who have seen their fair share of snow...and would be happy if Spring sprung early. As much as I've been complaining that there is NO snow, if Winter decides to stop by right after I start my new job, I will cry. There's something nerve wracking about driving in bad weather. It isn't that I cannot drive in it - it's because I'm the only one who CAN drive in it. ha! do you ever find yourself cursing at everyone else on the road when there's bad weather and you're white knuckling it because...the other people (not the weather) are making you tense? It could be your mom...but you find yourself shouting obscenities to "get the hell off the road and outta my way". I don't miss those times. I don't want Winter to come. ok, only on the weekends. It can snow when I don't have to be anywhere. I'm truly starting to sound like an "adult".

No one knows how to drive in Berks County. I tell you, it would drive you all apeshit. people SLOW down to merge onto the highway. often times, they dead stop right on the on-ramp. yeh, i blamed the lack of oxygen for moronic behavior in Denver, but I don't know what the excuse is here. ha! (I am the only one who knows how to drive, remember?)

Obviously you have experienced a little road rage today, haven't you, Pam? why yes, yes I have.

I absolutely 100% HATE this job and can't wait to leave

I'm so over the hillbilly attorney farmhouse office i could SCREAM!

I cannot wait to start my new job.

Please let time fly by in the next week.

Establishing new friendships, missing old ones

So, it's been four months, give or take a couple days, that I have lived back in PA. I told myself, in order to ease the pain of leaving my wonderful Denver friends behind, that I would reunite with old friends. I would reestablish friendships that were broken due to distance. So far, that hasn't happened and I miss my Denver friends more than ever.

It's hard enough being a girl, let alone, being a girl in an unfamiliar town with no girlfriends. I realized not long ago, perhaps after pondering WHY i'm missing you all so much, that one of the main reasons i feel so alone is that the bonds that i formed when in Denver were a bit stronger than most of my friendships here. Now, I don't mean to exclude those few who i do remain friends with in PA, even throughout the years of distance. But, i feel that my emotional growth was sustained by friends I have kept within the past five years. Thanks for putting up with me!! Maybe it's the age thing...maybe it's the experience thing. Could it be that things that happen to you later in life turn out to be a stronger establishment of self and those who are there for you during that time are sacred to you because they encouraged your development to becoming a better human being? I don't know. All i do know is that I couldn't have made it this far without all my wonderful friends in Denver. I get this horrible aching in my heart when i think of you because I know I cannot drive over to you, hug and kiss you and relish in the fact that we can sit for hours, even without saying a word, and enjoy one another's company.

i certainly do not want to leave out those friends who are near and dear to me, who have ALWAYS lived a plane ride away, who when reunited with, it feels like not a day has passed. Our friendships are understood differently. A friendship is still a friendship when you live thousands of miles away from one another, and always have. I cherish these friendships. We have grown so accustomed to NOT seeing one another on a regular basis that our friendship is based on a security of communication through emails and phone calls. There are no personal times to recollect...ha ha ha - remember that time when we were on the phone...however, just knowing that we both make the effort to never let go makes me so thankful that you are in my life, even though i would love to have you closer.

Will I ever be able to watch Sex in the City and not feel all alone, in a feminine perspective, in this place called Reading? Will I always have this hardness in my throat, fighting back the tears anytime I think of any of you? Time heals all wounds. Who said that anyway. Though I believe it can be true, I do not believe that time will make me miss any of you any less.

I miss seeing you. It makes me sad to think of future memories based off of emails and phone calls. But I would like to thank those of you who are making an effort to help ease my pain...by keeping in touch.